Dealing With It
by bemj11
Summary: Ken, the Digimon Emperor. How do you deal with what you used to be? Horrible Summary, I know. Tell me what you think. Oh, and this is my first Digimon fic, so please don't flame me much.-Permanently unfinished.
1. Chapter 1

Digimon and all that goes with it does not now, nor will it ever, belong to me.

It was dark, which was fitting, Minonmon thought, considering it was night. Not a sound was to be heard in the bedroom, save for Ken's light breathing. Minonmon yawned, and snuggled into Ken's arms to get some sleep before the next part of their nightly ritual.

He and Ken had lain in bed for a while, talking about things: school, the digital world, the other digi-destined, soccer, or anything that was bothering Ken. Every night they would lie and talk like this until Ken drifted off to sleep.

Then Minonmon would nestle down, asleep as well, but wary of any change in his friend's manner as he slept. The slightest catch in his friend's breathing, the softest cry, even the smallest increase of tension, would bring Minonmon out of his sleep, watchful for his friend's well-being.

Ken stirred restlessly, and Minonmon was instantly alert, but remain where he lay, lending Ken comfort in simply being there, though it would only delay the coming storm. Ken moaned, and jerked violently, fighting some shadow of the past, yet not succeeding. Idly Minonmon wondered what terror haunted Ken tonight.

Ken never slept well, really. As haunted as he was by his past during the day, at night, things only worsened. At night his mind would replay scenes from the past, over and over, until it was too much, and Ken would jerk awake, disoriented, unsure of where- or even who- he was.

Ken cried out, fighting some unseen force. He thrashed wildly in his bed, a prisoner in his own mind. Minonmon moved back now, it would distress Ken to be without him, but that wouldn't compare to the guilt Ken would feel if he were to accidentally harm the small digimon in his sleep. Minonmon waited, his heart aching, as Ken became more and more upset. He hoped this would not go on much longer tonight. Usually Ken had awakened by now.

Suddenly Ken jerked upright in his bed, what might almost be a scream escaping his lips. He sat shaking, his eyes staring straight ahead, seeing something other than the wall before them. Minonmon moved to get Ken's attention.

The boy's eyes fixed on the digimon, eyes full of pain and sorrow and regret. Suddenly, Ken moved. He launched himself out of the bed and staggered out into the hall. Minonmon followed silently, worried about this slight divergence from what had become normal night time activity for the two.

Ken staggered into the bathroom, and sank down in front of the toilet. Minonmon watched in concern as his friend- well, Minonmon wasn't sure what he was doing. But he leaned against his partner's side as he shook.

Finished, Ken slowly stood, and turned on the faucet, rinsing his mouth with the water. He proceeded to wash his face, then dry it with the hand towel that always hung so neatly on the wall. Then he turned to Minonmon, who jumped into his arms.

"Are you okay?" The small digimon asked, knowing Ken's answer would clarify just how bad the nightmares had been this time.

Ken tried to smile, but failed miserably. He sank down against the bathroom wall, Minonmon in his arms. "I don't know." The answer was barely a whisper. Ken's parents were light sleepers. He and Minonmon had already managed to wake them up with their late night talks before.

"What happened?" Minonmon asked the question, now familiar to both digimon and human.

Ken shuddered. "Do you remember the Dark Pool?"

Minonmon remembered it very clearly. The evil coming from it, the Devimon inside, and how Ken had started hearing voices. Or, as Ken had tried to explain once, a voice, dark and sinister, taunting him. Toying with him. Ken arguing with nobody, yelling at nothing. Even seeing things that weren't there. That evil had bothered him even as the Digimon Emperor, and as Ken, he had only ever mentioned it once, and it had distressed him so that Minonmon had firmly changed the subject to something else and insisted that he would hear of it when Ken was ready, which he wasn't then.

Minonmon simply nodded in reply.

"I was in way over my head there, and too stupid to admit it." Ken said, more to himself than to Minonmon. "I was so close to losing it. That voice was pure evil, enough to make the things I've done look like an innocent child's make-believe. You felt its evil, didn't you?"

Again Minonmon simply nodded.

"You warned me about it." Ken went on. "You begged me not to mess with it. And I did anyways. Anything could have happened."

Minonmon looked up into Ken's eyes. "But it didn't. Everyone's all right. And we're here. Safe and sound." He spoke softly, soothingly, attempting to calm Ken's worn nerves. It worked, to some degree. Ken wasn't shaking as badly. "And everything turned out okay anyway." The two sat silently for a moment.

"_Are_ we safe?" Ken asked at last, almost hopelessly.

Minonmon nodded fervently. "We are home and safe and sound." He yawned. "And a bit sleepy." He continued, trying to lighten the mood. "And hungry." He finished up.

Ken did manage a small smile this time. "You're always hungry."

"But dinner was _so _long ago." Minonmon protested. "Besides, eating will help you feel better. It always makes me feel better." They both knew the first part of his statement wasn't true; it was a long standing joke that had sprouted from the fact that digimon seemed to think that eating would solve any problem.

But Ken took Minonmon into the kitchen anyway. He set him on the table and rummaged through cabinets he knew the contents of even in the dark to find some peanut butter and bread. He got some jelly and milk from the refrigerator, and a butter knife from one of the drawers. He quickly produced for Minonmon half of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and a coffee cup half full of milk.

Minonmon quietly and neatly disposed of this snack, and Ken cleaned up what little mess was left. Then the two returned silently to bed, where they would lay and quietly wait for the dawn to come.

Once the dawn had come, Ken would drift off and get maybe an hour or so of undisturbed sleep before it was time to prepare for school.

Minonmon wouldn't sleep again until he was packed snugly in Ken's backpack and on the way to school. Then he would nap until Ken sneaked him some food at lunch, and nap again until school was over for the day.

"Good night, Minonmon." Ken murmured as he drifted back to sleep.

"Good night, Ken." Minonmon replied, though it wasn't really night anymore.

"Minonmon?" Ken said softly after a moment of silence.

"Hmm?"

"Thanks. You know, for being here."

Minonmon smiled.


	2. Chapter 2

Ken stirred as his alarm rang. He rolled out of bed and turned it off without thinking about it. His head throbbed dully, testament to the fact that the previous night's terrors had been worse than usual. He staggered to the bathroom to shower.

The hot water felt good, and helped him awaken, though truthfully he would not be completely alert before he had eaten something. He stood in the shower for a while, the water falling gently on and around him, marveling at how much more peaceful things seemed from there.

He turned the shower off and grabbed a towel. Minonmon sat on the toilet lid, waiting for him. The small digimon had sensed Ken's leaving the bed and followed him. He always did, somehow, no matter how hard Ken tried not to wake him.

He wrapped his towel around him and scooped Minonmon into his arms. The two headed back to Ken's bedroom, where Ken set Minonmon on the computer desk and began to dress for school.

"You know, you can sleep while I shower. I'm not going to leave you behind or anything." Ken said to his partner.

"I know." Minonmon said simply.

"Then why do you follow me to the shower every morning? I would think you would like the extra sleep."

"I like the sound the shower makes." Minonmon replied. Then he sniffed the air. "Mmmm." He noted. "Pancakes. I love your mom's pancakes."

"They are good." Ken agreed.

Both digimon and human enjoyed the pancakes. Ken then returned to his room and gathered his books. He carefully placed them and Minonmon in his backpack, and five minutes later was out the door and on his way to school.

As he stared at the day's mystery meat, Ken wondered if it wouldn't have been a better idea to simply stay home that day. He had been late for school, which, while not normally that big of an issue in school, had been noted and commented on by his homeroom teacher and every other student in the class, since Ken Ichijouji was _never_ late.

Not that he had been able to hear the comments until _after_ homeroom, given Tanaka-san's method of dealing with tardiness. He had been standing in the hall to the left of the closed door, nose to the wall. This, of course, had attracted the stares of any and all passersby, who knew instantly who he was and why he was standing there, and seemed to find it amusing.

Then he had dozed off during second period, science. Satou-san had simply rapped on his desk hard enough to get his attention and moved on, but every student in the room had sat and stared at him for the remainder of the class period.

It wasn't until _after_ the period had ended that Satou-san had singled Ken out, asking him to stay behind for a moment.

"May I help you, Satou-san?" Ken had asked after the other students had left.

"Yes, Ken-san." He replied. "Is everything all right?"

Ken sighed inwardly. Of course it wasn't. Nothing was ever all right. How could it be, after all the things he had done? Ken shuddered, though he didn't know it. Nor did he notice the concern in his teacher's eyes.

But he had to answer Satou-san, and a no would only complicate things. "I'm fine, thanks. Why?"

Satou-san frowned. "I spoke briefly with Miss Tanaka before the period began, and she said you were late for homeroom today. She also said you look exhausted, and I agree. You did fall asleep in my class, after all. Are you sure you're okay?"

Ken forced himself to smile. "Just having an off day, I guess. Nothing to worry about. I appreciate your concern, though."

Satou-san leaned forward, studying Ken intently, enough to cause the boy discomfort. Ken stared down at a spot on the floor, wondering how his teacher would react if he actually _did_ tell him what was bothering him. Send him to the guidance counselor in no time at all.

Minutes silently crawled by, and Ken shifted uncomfortably. Finally, he spoke. "Um, may I go now? I'm going to be late for my next class if I don't hurry."

"Certainly." Satou-san said, though Ken knew he would have liked to have said otherwise. "If you're sure everything is okay."

Ken forced himself to meet Satou-san's gaze. "It is." He said, more firmly than he believed. "Thanks." He turned and headed for the door.

Then there had been a surprise quiz in his history class. Ken knew he had failed it. He hadn't been able to concentrate on the quiz at all, his mind repeatedly returning to the dream from the night before. As a result, he hadn't even completed the quiz before they were taken up. Fortunately, Nakamura-san wouldn't know until she graded them at home this evening.

Ken pulled Minonmon out of his backpack and placed the small digimon in his lap. Minonmon sat still and silent, passing as a stuffed animal, but Ken found some comfort in having his partner so close. It almost erased his irritation at the sub from fourth period. _Keep up with the class, _indeed. Ken generally tried to avoid judging those around him these days, but sometimes he couldn't help it. This was one of those times.

_Idiot._ A word Ken hadn't used since his days as the Digimon Emperor slipped into his thoughts.

Ken sat in his math class, the page they would be going over today marked, the book actually open to the page he had been perusing last math period. He waited patiently while the substitute introduced herself as Miss Suzuki and explained that she would be calling roll so she could know who everybody was.

Unlike most substitute teachers, Suzuki-san had simply called his name, acknowledged him as present, and gone on. Apparently, she didn't realize that he was _Ken Ichijouji: boy genius_. Ken didn't mind. It was easier when people didn't recognize him. Usually.

Then Suzuki-san passed out pieces of paper. Ken groaned inwardly when he realized they were name tags with their names already on them. They were also decorated with bright yellow smiley faces.

"These are so I can know who you are, just in case I forget, since there are so many students today. Please put them on now, and wear them for the rest of the class period." Suzuki-san smiled with an exaggerated cheerfulness.

Ken, like everybody else, reluctantly peeled his name tag off the paper and stuck it to his shirt.

"Now that we're ready, everybody turn in your books to page 157, and we'll get started." She said, again with exaggerated cheerfulness.

Ken had to admit that she did know her math, even if her falsely bubbly personality was beginning to grate his (and every other student's) nerves. He listened for a bit, but quickly grew bored, as he always did, and turned his attention to the page to which _his_ book was open.

He was soon immersed in a problem, a rather complex one with several variables that required quite a bit of both work and thinking. He was soon busy writing, his attention focused entirely on this problem.

Thus, he didn't hear Suzuki-san the first or even the second time she called his name. Scott, the foreign exchange student from the States (who happened to sit behind him in this class), poked him in the back to get his attention.

"Hmm?" Ken asked, trying to keep his place to prevent having to start over. She waited for him to finally put his pencil down before continuing the lesson.

Unsure of what had just happened, Ken went back to his problem. He had worked for five more minutes on it before Scott hissed at him.

"Dude, you're being talked to." He nodded toward Suzuki-san. Ken again set his pencil down and looked her way.

"You need to pay attention Ken." Suzuki-san said, and several students giggled. She, of course, mistakenly assumed they were laughing at Ken, rather than her statement, and responded accordingly with the warning that "We don't behave unkindly towards others here for any reason." All the students knew _exactly_ how much attention he needed to pay to what she was going over.

He sighed inwardly, and sat still for a few minutes, but found himself going over the problem he had been working on in his head, and realizing he needed paper for the next step. He picked up his pencil and went back to his writing.

A shadow fell across the desk. He looked up to see a rather irate Suzuki-san. "Paper, please, and pencil." She said shortly, holding out her hand.

Ken gave it to her, and she laid it on the teacher's desk without even looking at it. "You can speak with your regular teacher about getting back tomorrow. In the mean time, would you mind completing the problem for us?"

It took Ken a minute to realize that she was referring to the problem on the board. He looked at it, worked it out in his head, and gave her the answer.

"Work it out, please, so we can be sure it's right." Ken frowned, he was sure it was correct. "Is there a problem?" Suzuki-san asked.

Ken shook his head and went to the front of the room, his face flushed. He was in trouble with the sub. He never got in trouble, and now he was, and worse, with the sub, which meant she would tell their regular teacher he had caused trouble, which meant he would be in even more trouble when _he _got back, especially since the regular teacher had never given any student the benefit of the doubt when it came to subs.

He closed his eyes and brought the work for the problem back to mind. Then he began working the problem in his small, neat, organized writing. When he was finished, he set the chalk down and went back to his seat.

Suzuki-san cleared her throat. "Haven't you forgotten something?" She asked, her patience with Ken wearing thin for some reason he couldn't really discern.

He looked at the problem, eyes wide, wondering what he could have forgotten. He hadn't. It was right. He turned back to Suzuki-san, confusion etched across his features.

She sighed. "Obviously you weren't listening. What do you always do with these kinds of problems?"

He frowned, thinking hard, but coming up with nothing.

"Check. Your. Work." She said, aggravated. "Go up to the board, and check your work."

Ken sighed, and didn't point out that due to the properties of this particular type of problem you could use the original problem and your work to check it without actually writing anything down. He walked back to the board and proceeded to check the problem the long way.

Once again he set the chalk down and returned to his seat. The other kids were staring at him now, apparently this had only served as a reminder to them that he didn't really need to be in this class.

"Right." Said Suzuki-san, flustered at how easily he had completed the problem. "I will be writing a note to your regular teacher about your behavior in this class, Ken." She said before continuing the lesson.

Ken slumped down in his chair and spent the rest of the period trying to look as if he were paying attention.

He would have to start the problem over if he wanted to finish it today.

The day was steadily going downhill, and Ken wondered if it could get much worse. Hopefully not, but it was not only possible, but highly likely. Days that started out bad seemed to have difficulty getting any better.

Scott plopped his tray down across from Ken and sat down. "I'm in disgrace." He explained. "Mind if I sit with you?" Ken shrugged, since Scott was already sitting there. "You seem bummed out." Scott observed. "Math class?"

Ken shrugged again, he didn't really want to talk about it, especially not to Scott. Maybe he could change the subject. "So why are you in disgrace?" He asked the other boy.

"Well, apparently," Scott began with exaggerated annoyance, "you people don't play football. You play soccer."

Ken rolled his eyes. "We _play_ football. You people from the States _call_ it soccer."

"Well _that _would have been nice to know yesterday when some of the other guys asked if I played football." Scott grumbled.

Ken's eyes widened. "You tackled someone?"

"Yeah." Scott grimaced. "So they all think I'm an ignorant jerk again."

"Which is why you're sitting with me again." Ken reasoned.

Scott grinned sheepishly. "Well…" He couldn't think of any thing to finish his defense, so they fell into an awkward silence.

Until Scott saw Minonmon. "You brought a doll to school?" Scott asked incredulously. "You are _so _going to get made fun of if anybody sees it." He warned. Ken simply shrugged. He didn't really care. "Aren't you a bit old for dolls anyway?" Scott asked skeptically.

Ken shrugged again. "Whatever." Why couldn't people just leave him alone today?

"Look, it's cool. Whatever. It doesn't really matter." Scott said edgily. Silence once again claimed the table, and the two picked at their meals in discomfort.

"Well, what have we here?" The silence was broken by an older kid, one of the group that was the bane of most of the younger population's existence. He reached from behind Ken and snatched Minonmon from him. "A stuffed animal? How cute."

Ken stood up angrily. "Give him back." He snapped.

"Aren't you a bit big for stuffed animals?" The older kid, Ken could never remember his name, jeered. "After all, you're in junior high school. You're supposed to be a big kid now."

Ken glared at the taller kid. "I said, give him back." His voice was flat, but a note of warning slipped through.

"Him?" The older kid's friend had joined him. "Awww, does he have a name, too?"

"Don't you know, he sleeps with him at night." The first kid replied.

"To keep away the nightmares." Added the second.

Ken was furious by now. "I won't say it again. Give him back."

The first kid stepped forward. He was bigger than Ken. A lot bigger. Ken was tall for his age, but rather thin. This kid was both tall and built for his age. "Is that a threat?" He asked menacingly.

Ken wasn't impressed. "A warning." He spat.

The kid tossed Minonmon to his buddy and took another step toward Ken, grabbing him by the collar.

Ken moved and had him on the floor, arms pinned, before the kid knew what had happened. He looked at the second kid, who was standing there in astonishment. "Are you going to give him back, or what?" He asked coldly.

"**Ichijouji!**" Ken winced as he recognized Tanaka-san's "you're in trouble now" voice call him down as she crossed the cafeteria. "**Step away from Itou now.**" Ken did as she had said and the three students waited for her to reach them.

She glared first at Ken, then at Itou, then at the other kid. "What is the meaning of this?" She demanded. "Why are we fighting on school property?"

Itou tried to look innocent. "I didn't do nothing." He insisted. Staring at the floor. "Ichijouji was just looking for a fight."

The other kid piped up. "He has been all day, my sister said."

Tanaka-san turned to Ken, waiting for his explanation. He stared at the floor. "They took something of mine." He muttered.

"And just what did they take from you?" She asked.

"That." He nodded towards Minonmon, not actually wanting to lie and say he was a toy.

"And so you decided to fight Itou for it?" Tanaka-san asked.

"I did ask him to give him back." Ken explained.

"And when he didn't, you decided to take matters into your own hands rather than go to a teacher for help. Is that right?"

Ken nodded, still staring at the ground.

"Give it back to him." Tanaka-san said. "And don't try to tell me that it's yours because I know for a fact that neither of you carry around stuffed animals."

"Here." Minonmon was shoved roughly into his hands. Ken hoped that the experience hadn't been too frightening for Minonmon. He also hoped the small digimon had not been hurt in any way.

"You two have detention for stealing." Tanka-san told the other two.

"But-" Any argument was silenced with one of Tanaka-san's famous glares.

"You, Ken, will come with me." Tanaka-san continued. Ken knew what that meant.

Students at Tamachi Junior High did not get in trouble for fighting. The philosophy was that if a student felt the need to resort to physical violence in order to express himself, something was bothering them. Therefore, any student found resorting to physical violence would meet with the school guidance counselor for a session.

The philosophy actually prevented a lot of fights. Nobody wanted to spend a session with the guidance counselor. Especially since a parent or guardian was always informed of both the session and the reason for it.

"Hello, Ken," Said the guidance counselor as he took a seat, "I am Mrs. Nakamura. Mrs. Tanaka said that you were fighting in the cafeteria. Would you like to tell me why?"

Ken shook his head. "No, thank you." He replied politely. He knew where this would lead, and he didn't want to go there.

"No?" She asked, raising her eyebrow. "Why not?"

Ken repressed the urge to sigh. "I know what I've done, I know why I've done it, I know I shouldn't have done it, and I won't do it again." He replied. "I appreciate your time, but it isn't really necessary. Sorry to have bothered you."

She raised an eyebrow again, and persisted with her questioning. Ken did sigh this time.

"Look, thanks for your concern, but I just lost my temper back there. It won't happen again." He grumbled.

Nakamura-san pursed her lips. "Look, Ken, people who 'just lost their temper' come in here, and you can tell who they are. Then there are people who come in and have things bothering them, things they need to talk to _someone_ about, and you can tell who they are too. _You_ are one of the latter. However, I can already tell you aren't going to talk to me. You don't have to. The important thing is that you talk to _someone_."

She turned to her desk and began rummaging around in it. "We recently started a program that allows troubled students who don't feel comfortable talking to a teacher or other adult to talk to someone closer to their age group." She found what she was looking for, and held a white business card out to Ken. "I want you to call and arrange to talk to someone, even if it is just for one session. It will help you, but it will also help us see how it works, and how it can improve. Tomorrow, I want to know that you called, and after you meet with someone, I want to know if they helped or didn't help, why they did or didn't help, how they could have helped more."

Ken stared doubtfully at the card in her hand.

Nakamura-san smiled. "It's either that, or I'm supposed to meet with you until we've discussed your actions, why they were wrong, and how they can be altered to appropriately deal with a similar situation should one arise in the future."

Ken sighed again and took the card. Then he stood up to leave. "Thank you for your time, Nakamura-san." He said, though he didn't really feel thankful.

"You're welcome." She replied, amused. "And you're already excused from this period class. Take some time to relax and prepare for next period."

Ken left, Minonmon still in his arms, and headed for the boy's bathroom.

It was empty, thankfully, so Ken could check on Minonmon. He hadn't been hurt, Ken was relieved to find, he had simply found the experience a rather frightening one.

"I didn't know what was going on." Minonmon said. "He snatched me out of your arms so fast, and I didn't know where I was or who he was or anything. And then you were _so_ mad, and I was worried that you would get in trouble, or get hurt. Those guys were huge. And then you were in trouble and had to go to the ginance clonser-"

"Guidance counselor." Ken corrected with a smile.

"Guidance counselor." Minonmon repeated. "But she was nice, and then she gave you some paper and said you didn't have to go to class."

Ken almost smiled at Minonmon's oversimplification of all that had happened.

"Are _you_ okay?" Minonmon asked.

Ken sighed. "Yeah. I'm fine." He looked at his watch. "Come on, I have another class in about five minutes.

Ken sat at the desk in his room, the lights off, the shades drawn to block out the light from outside. He listened to the hushed conversation his parents were having in their room.

"He just seemed so upset today." He heard his mom comment softly to his dad. "He has been this way for a while now, but it was worse today. And when I tried to ask him, he just said he was fine, thanks, don't worry about it."

"He's been more withdrawn lately too." Dad replied. "Just like he was before. I wish we could help him, but-"

"But he won't let us. He doesn't feel comfortable talking to us. At least not on a personal level."

"I just hope he talks to someone."

Ken stared at the card Nakamura-san had given him. The number was 305-4461. He went into living room, picked up the phone, and dialed the number on the card.

Maybe he did need to talk to someone.


	3. Chapter 3

Ken wondered for the umpteenth time why exactly he was doing this. Yes, his school guidance counselor had suggested it. Yes, he did have a lot of things bothering him. Yes, his parents were worried about him steadily becoming more withdrawn.

But would talking to another kid, a complete stranger, help any of it? He couldn't really explain that a lot of his problems involved his actions in the digital world, now could he? So what _could_ he possibly have to discuss with a complete stranger?

Still, he had called and arranged to meet with another kid, a few years older than he, at the ice cream shop in Odaiba a few minutes from now. Ken stood just outside the door, wondering if this were a mistake, wishing he _had_ agreed to let Minonmon come with him for moral support. Ken took a deep breath, and went inside.

He walked over to the table in the corner, the set place to meet. In order to protect the privacy of those involved in the program, he had not been given the name of the person he was supposed to be meeting, nor had his name been given to said person.

He sat down nervously, feeling incredibly stupid. This _was _a mistake. A big one. There was absolutely nothing he could discuss with an absolute stranger that would help him in any way. He had just decided to get up and leave when someone sat down across from him.

"Hi, Ken." It was Izzy.

"Um, hi." Ken replied uncomfortably. The two stared at each other for an awkward minute or two.

"Oh." Izzy said suddenly. "_You_ called in, didn't you?"

Ken looked up in surprise. "Are you who I'm supposed to be meeting?" He asked.

"I guess so." Said Izzy. He looked down at the folder he had with him. "To start off, I'm supposed to ask you a couple of informational questions. Kind of boring, but it helps if the two people meeting haven't actually met before."

"Okay." Ken replied

"Okay, then." Izzy opened his folder. "How did you hear about us?"

"My guidance counselor suggested I call." Ken replied. It wasn't entirely true; she had actually given him a choice between that or meeting with her until they 'worked things out.'

"Uh-huh." Izzy scribbled briefly in the folder. "Do you mind if I ask why she suggested it?"

"I, um, got involved in a fight." He said. Izzy's head jerked up in surprise.

"Over what?" He asked incredulously.

Ken looked down at the table. "A couple of older guys took Minonmon from me."

Izzy's eyes widened. "You took him to school? Why?"

Ken shrugged. He really didn't want to explain. Izzy watched him intently, waiting for some kind of answer. Ken was going to have to explain. "He wanted to." He answered flatly, hoping to leave it at that.

"Yeah, but you don't take your digimon to school just because they want to go." Izzy lectured. "Sheesh, Ken, I would expect this sort of thing from Davis or Yolei, maybe even Cody, but you should know that's not a good idea. Anything could happen."

"I _know_." Ken retorted defensively.

"Then why?" Izzy demanded.

Ken sighed. "He was worried."

"About what?" Apparently he wasn't going to get away with answers that didn't really explain anything.

"Me." Ken's eyes didn't meet Izzy's.

"Okay." Izzy said, trying to hold on to his patience. "Why?"

"I had a rough night last night." He replied. Izzy waited for the rest of the explanation. Taking a deep breath, Ken continued. "A nightmare."

"They do worry about small things sometimes, don't they?" Izzy asked, and Ken realized the older boy didn't understand the significance the word _nightmare_ held for him. For a brief second Ken considered letting Izzy go on in the wrong direction, but discarded that idea as he realized he actually _wanted_ to talk to someone other than Minonmon about this.

Not that talking to Minonmon about these things didn't help, but even the small digimon had suggested that he really didn't know enough to be of much help.

Ken interrupted Izzy's anecdote about something or other that Tentomon had found distressing about his human partner. "That's not what I mean." He said quickly, before he could chicken out.

Izzy stopped talking and gave him a strange look. "Then what _do_ you mean, Ken?"

"I mean, a worse nightmare than usual." Seeing Izzy's blank look, Ken continued. "I don't sleep well at night. Probably because anytime I do go to sleep I have nightmares." Ken had no idea how to explain what he meant. "They're not really dreams, more like memories." Ken sighed. "I'm probably not making much sense. It's like all the terrible things I did as the Digimon Emperor come back to haunt me at night. I see the things that happened-that I did-as vividly as if they were actually happening right then and there."

"Hmm." Izzy looked thoughtful. "And last night was worse than usual, which worried Minonmon." Izzy supplied.

Ken nodded. "I don't think he's ever seen me throw up before."

"That bad?" Izzy asked sympathetically.

Ken nodded. "It was about the dark pool."

Izzy frowned. "I've heard it mentioned, but nobody seemed to want to explain it. At all."

Ken shuddered. "It was evil. The others found it disturbing."

"So do you." Izzy pointed out.

"Yeah." Ken said flatly. "It was, so to speak, a gateway to the source of the powers of darkness. It was caused by an evil digimon, Devimon."

"Devimon?" Izzy asked. "He _is_ evil."

"I used part of his data to create Chimeraman. He challenged me, mocked me for thinking I could control the powers of darkness. And I just laughed at him. Just like I ignored Wormmon's warning." Ken fell silent, his eyes dark and troubled.

He continued after a moment. "I started hearing his voice in my head. At least, I think it was his voice. It was a voice, anyway. Wormmon couldn't hear it. I started seeing things too. Things that weren't really there. They were in my head too, I guess. Sometimes I marvel at how close I was to _completely _losing it. The worst part was, the digimon, and the pool, were pure evil. And even though Wormmon said I couldn't feel it, I could. I knew what it was, and I messed with it anyway. I guess I thought that I was good enough to control it. Looking back, I can remember just _how_ evil it actually was. I was lucky I didn't end up killing us all."

"But you didn't, Ken." Izzy said, interrupting the silence that had once again fallen between them. "And you have learned from all this. You aren't the Digimon Emperor any more." Ken slouched in his seat, his shoulders tense. "You aren't the Digimon Emperor any more." Izzy repeated firmly.

Ken sighed. "I'm still the same person. I'm still capable of the same things. What if-"

Izzy cut him off. "The fact that it worries you to think you could be like that again proves that you've changed." Ken didn't look convinced. "So does Minonmon."

"Huh?" Ken looked up, confused. "What do you mean?"

"Well, you said you got into a fight for Minonmon's sake, right?" Izzy asked.

"Yeah." Ken replied, uncertain as to where this was leading.

"And you brought him to school with you because you didn't want him to worry all day, right?"

"Well, sort of. I also kind of wanted him there too." Ken admitted reluctantly. "What's your point?"

Izzy rolled his eyes. "You got into a fight to protect Wormmon because you were worried about him getting hurt." Ken nodded. "You brought him to school with you, even though you knew it was a bad idea, because one: you didn't want him to worry, and two: you wanted him with you anyway, which means you enjoy and take comfort in his company."

"And?"

"I'm getting to that. Think back to when you were still the Digimon Emperor." Ken tensed. "Just do it. It'll be okay." Ken closed his eyes. "Now, suppose that, during that time, you had had a nightmare and Minonmon had tried to comfort you."

"He wouldn't have." Ken replied flatly. "He stayed in the digital world."

"Okay." Izzy said. "Now, suppose he had come back to our world with you. Then he asked if he could go to school with you. Would you have let him come?"

"No."

"Why not?"

Ken frowned. "I didn't like having him around before."

"Which has changed since then, Ken. _You've_ changed. You aren't the same person you were.

Ken stared at the table, not willing to let himself believe.

Izzy sighed. "Look, Ken. Obviously the others have seen a change in you. Obviously they were willing to give you a second chance, and the fact that they think of you as one of them, as a Digidestined, means they have forgiven you for what you've done."

Ken looked up, his eyes worried, doubtful. "They don't know all the things I've done. If they did-"

"They don't need to know, Ken." Izzy interrupted. "You're on their side now, and that's good enough for them." Both were silent for a moment, then Izzy spoke again. "Minonmon was with you, and he's forgiven you too, hasn't he?"

Ken slowly nodded. "Yes. He has. Even after all the terrible things I've done to him." This last statement was softer than the others.

Silence once again settled over the two. They sat silently, not quite awkwardly, each thinking their own thoughts. Izzy sighed. "Ken, you find that one of the hardest things to do is forgive yourself for things you've done. That's your problem. You can't seem to forgive yourself. Yeah, you've done some horrible, horrible things." Ken flinched as if he had been slapped. "But the fact is, you stopped. And you've changed. The others gave you a second chance, and you've taken advantage of it." Izzy paused for a moment, uncertain. "Ken, give yourself another chance."

"Huh?" Ken looked up, confused.

"I mean, give yourself another chance to prove that you've changed. I think if you're honest with yourself, you'll see a difference. Everyone else has." Izzy looked at his watch. "Well, your session is over. Wasn't too bad, I hope."

Ken managed a small smile.

"Look, you have my number, I'm available to talk anytime." Izzy said, standing up. "I'll see you around, Ken." Izzy turned towards the exit, ready to leave, but hesitated as if struck by some new thought. "By the way, Ken?"

"Hmm?" Ken looked up to meet Izzy's eyes.

"You are allowed to be happy, you know."


	4. Chapter 4

"I thought you were going to me some kid to talk about why you got into a fight." Minonmon said, confusion etched on his face.

"I was." Ken explained as he started on his homework.

"But then you met Izzy instead?" Minonmon was sitting on the bed, or rather bouncing on it.

"Izzy _was_ the kid I was supposed to be talking to." Ken explained, hoping he made sense this time.

Minonmon was silent for a second. "So you were going to talk to Izzy about why you got in a fight. So why wouldn't you let me go?" He pretended to pout, and Ken sighed.

"I didn't know it was going to be Izzy. If I had known I would have taken you."

"So did you talk to him?"

"Yeah. He couldn't believe I took you to school." Ken turned to look at his friend.

Minonmon jumped into Ken's lap. "No, I mean about other stuff."

"I know what you meant." Ken said quietly. "Yeah, I talked to him. About the nightmares. The dark pool."

"And?" Minonmon pressed.

Ken hesitated. He wasn't sure Izzy was right. How could anyone forgive him for the things he had done? But Minonmon had, and he knew about all of it. "He said I needed to forgive myself. He said I was allowed to be happy."

Minonmon nodded. "He's right, you know."

Ken sighed. "Maybe." He stood and paced his room. "He says that, but he has less of an idea of the things I've done than the others do. If he knew-"

"You say that if the others knew everything, they wouldn't been so forgiving, Ken. But _I_ was there. I know about that stuff. And _I _forgave you." Minonmon reminded him gently.

"I know you did." Ken said softly. He went back to his homework, Minonmon in his lap, his mind on the conversation he had had with Izzy.

_Could_ he forgive himself? Did he deserve to be forgiven? Did he deserve to be happy ever again? After all he had done, didn't he deserve everything he was going through? Didn't he deserve the nightmares, the memories, the guilt? Didn't he deserve the shame, the depression?

He had Minonmon back. That was more than he deserved, really.

Maybe he had changed. Maybe Izzy was right about that. But did that erase all the things he had done before? Did that just blank them out, make them non-existent? He _had_ changed, but it didn't change what he had done.

"I think he's right, Ken." Minonmon said quietly. "You _are_ allowed to be happy. I want you to be happy."

Ken sighed. "I know. I'm sorry."

Minonmon shook his head. He wished Ken would believe Izzy. He wished Ken would believe _him_ when he tried to convince him of the very same things.

But talking to Izzy seemed to have been good for Ken, at least a little bit.

The nightmares weren't quite as bad that night.

Disclaimer: Digimon isn't mine.


End file.
